Mood: uh oh
Listening to: sufjan stevens - romulus
Reading: syliva plath - the bell jar
Watching: inter milan's fans killing their keeper

looking through my old diaries from about 2 years ago and found a surprising amount of poetry i had scribbled down on scraps of paper whilst on the train or something. it was such a long time ago i think i can share it on here so you can see what kind of a person i was like back then, around the time i first joined DA. i've not changed that much. strangely enough, i think i'm more optimistic now. but still, many of my ideals are still the same.

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untitled 1

leaning right over
waiting to fall
passers by surround me
they don't know me at all
they stare in pity
but clutch at their children
drag them away
they have hope to build on
an autumn morning
frost coats the grass
white sugar paper
biting shards of glass
my fingers reach out
but i am unable to feel
the beauty around me
a world tangibly real
and so full of mystery
but it's so far from me
the tears in my eyes
fall like crystals in disguise
crystals of salt in the sea
the gulls on wing; so wild, so free
yet their call is so raucous
they're laughing at me
they peck at my eyes
i'm unable to see
who cares anymore?
one push and I'm free
from the life that consumes
crushed my hopes and my dreams
locked me away with my fears
and thrown away the key
but i open my eyes and
now i can breathe.

april 2003. i used to walk up to asda everyday for no reason at all and just stand on the bridge over the motorway and contemplate what it would be like if i just threw myself off.

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you and me

you and me
together in this world i make
and even though you're
in my dreams
you're always gone before i wake

april 2003

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untitled haiku

I wander alone
why did I escape reality?
to find truth.

september 2003

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Untitled haiku

A spatter of wings
Breaks through the still glassy calm
Like a knife.

September 2003

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extract from 'the cornfield'

I look at him
his eyes are bright
they echo the rumble of thunder
they reflect the flash of light
and under the swaying corn stalks
he'll hold me safe tonight

september 2003 - actually quite a hopeful poem considering how i felt around that time.

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alone

i am alone
the harsh call of a crow rents the air
its' silhouette against the silky twilight
while it prepares for the dark cloak of night
and i am still alone
trees gripped in the harsh lock of winter
sugar frost coats their boughs
their branches like skeletal fingers at the sky
and the mist for a shroud
and i remain alone
statue still amongst the corn
the light breeze lifts my hair
and what is happening in the rest of the world?
i do not know
i do not care
for i am alone

september 2003 - yeah. i felt pretty shitty back then.

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the vagabond

She walks barefoot
Through the grasses, the dusty path
The sun warms her skin
Like her melted butter laugh
Naked poppies weaved through her hair
Her dress brushes the dewy grass.
Fingers entwined with the whispering wheat
Sea green eyes like broken glass
Where are you going?
Don’t leave me here.
Take me with you through the corn.
Lead me from this fear.
I want to be wild,
I want to be free.
Do they understand you?
Can they see what you see?
The autumn sun on dark velvet water;
The golden fronds of hay.
The breeze, which creeps through the corn
on this perfect summer day.
Yet winter comes
and you’re frozen, alone,
The cornfield harvested;
The poppies are gone.
And nothing is ever
quite like what it seems
And how can I live
like I do in my dreams?

september 2003

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so that's about it.

'one day' list
1) get married
2) be able to recite ‘if’ by Rudyard Kipling off by heart
3) see all of the Gilbert and Sullivan operas
4) have a Liverpool season ticket
5) meet a member of the royal family
6) sit on a hay bale
7) throw a ‘sound of music’ party
8) be bi-lingual
9) skinny dip
10) sing a solo in a concert
11) understand the rules of every sport played in Britain
12) ride a horse well
13) have sex at the interval of a school concert
14) be kissed in the street by a total stranger
15) have my portrait painted
16) have something published
17) direct a film
18) own a VW camper van
19) live in a foreign country
20) dye my hair a really wacky colour
21) go on a protest rally
22) jump into a lake fully clothed
23) photograph a man in a bowler hat
24) have a dress designed for me
25) learn how to waltz
26) ice skate on a frozen pond
27) own a lighthouse
28) join the mile high club
29) read all the Charles Dickens novels
30) be able to light a fire using only sticks
31) to play the piano to a grade 8 standard
32) bathe in a hot spring
33) do the ‘Blackpool thing’
34) canoe the fjords of Norway
35) make my own wine
36) have sex in a storm
37) buy a boat
38) meet my lover off a train
39) buy one of those wacky hats in Harvey nicks
40) go to Wimbledon
41) get lost in Africa
42) be a society girl like Holly Golightly
43) be able to play poker…then play strip poker!
44) go hunting
45) tell someone what I really think of them
46) go carol singing
47) know all the kings and queens of England in chronological order
48) belong to a secret organisation
49) camp out on a beach in the snow
50) run through a cornfield barefoot